I Have A Secret Closet

So...I have a confession.  I have a secret closet.  I have a secret that I've never told or shown to anyone.  It's a closet and it's filled with what I thought of as "projects" but I think it is safe to say that I have a "hoarder" closet.  It's just this one tiny small space in my house but...Jeff found it.

To quote the bunny in Alice in Wonderland, "THE TIME HAS COME!"  I must clean out my hoarder closet.  But before I clean out the closet I feel I must first come clean with a confession.

We bought our house in 2007 and it is the largest house we've ever lived in.  All the rooms and closets in the rest of the house are neat and tidy and the items in each closet have a purpose, reason or explanation.  There is nothing under a single bed in our house.  Our cabinets are clean and fairly tidy.  All our other closets are manageable and clean and could use a little order but probably are better than most...except this one.

One of our guest bedrooms has two closets.  The main clothing closet and a small cedar closet.  Over the years I'll get in a cleaning mood and boy can I clean out and throw stuff away.  Jeff has always thought I was pretty amazing...until yesterday.  He found my secret!

So, during my cleaning frenzies throughout the rest of the house whenever I found something I wasn't sure what to do with I put it in this little closet.  I always called it my "project" closet.  And then one day I realized that it had gone from unfinished projects to just plain hoarding/hiding.  I knew these were things that I didn't want to throw away but I didn't want them in other places in the house and things have ended up in this cedar closet.

Well, Jeff so lovingly gave me the flu this weekend.  We have been home sick together since Sunday.  Talk about torture!  Two sick people, one TV...not a good combo!  Anyway, yesterday afternoon I felt like I had awakened from a long winter's nap.  I went and got a book from my collection on my book shelf (yes, in order of authors and series...very neat and tidy).  After I got settled on the couch we heard a large commotion coming from the guest rooms.  It sounded like someone moving around!  It scared me terribly.  Jeff goes to check it out.  He looks under the beds (nothing but dust bunnies).  He looks in the two main closets (nothing but what was purposely put in them)...and then he opened my secret closet and everything came flooding out!

*Sigh*  The time has come.  I must either complete my projects or finally face the truth and throw this stuff away.  I am going to conserve my energy for this weekend.  Sunday I plan to start my task of completing projects and cleaning out the "project" closet.  And to give you an idea of exactly how bad it is I'll even post a picture.

Ugh!  I so want this closet cleaned out and neat and tidy and I so want it to just go away.  The time has indeed come.  I guess I just have to do it.  *Sigh*

Hopefully I can post lots of pictures of all my completed projects and a clean closet at the end of this endeavor.  I have been promised Blizzards for a week if I do this.  I'd say that's pretty good motivation...that and no longer having a secret closet.  

It Happened...Again.

I shared this story with some friends on Saturday night and one of the girls asked me to share the story with the guys so that her husband would know that she's not the only one that has drastic and strange mood swings and pity parties.  So, after hearing her say that I figure there might be a few guys that might appreciate that their wife isn't the only one that can throw a fit and other ladies might enjoy hearing about someone else throwing a fit for a change.  And this time I would like to blame the cursed monthly visitors that besiege ladies once a month.  I don't think I would have been as severe in my mood swing or my pity party if it wasn't for that!

So, Saturday morning I got up and made my nest on the couch and started watching Downton Abbey.  I had specifically waited until Saturday morning to watch it because I know that Jeff doesn't enjoy it.  Well, it was a 2 hour special and 36 minutes into the show Jeff comes in the den and makes a snide comment like, "Oh, great.  Downtown Abbey."  I lost it.  My body and mind were overtaken by crazy, raging hormones likes of which are usually one seen in movies!  I turned off the TV, threw the remote, grabbed my pillow and blanket and stalked into the bedroom, got under the covers in bed and started crying.  It was...an out of body experience!  And Jeff immediately comes into the bedroom and asks, "What just happened?"  To which I start crying even harder and profess my embarrassment at throwing such a lovely fit.  So, I calmed down, and we go back in the den, watch the rest of the show and think we're about to begin our Saturday.  Oh, how wrong we were.

After Downton Abbey ended I went in the bathroom, got in the shower and proceed to cry the whole time.  I really didn't think I was a big birthday person and I really don't consider myself to be a big birthday person but apparently I am.  Turning 30 didn't bother me but I guess every number I have to tack on to the end of 30 is starting to hurt.  And along with the hurt of the numbers increasing is the adult truth of not feeling special or important or...something at least one day a year.  And I just get a jipped feeling on my birthday.  It isn't any one's fault.  No one deliberately tries to forget and/or ignore my birthday or just not celebrate it.  It's a busy time of year and everyone is still recovering from the holidays, etc.  It's just something I need to learn to deal with and let go.  So, I will probably only have a birthday party on the big numbers and if 30 was any indication of how those parties will be...it won't live up to what is in my mind...so I need to change my mind.  I know it's on me.  I'm the one that gets excited and hopeful and therefore let down.  I'm the one that needs to change.

So, from now on.  Help me.  Help me to remember how blessed I really am and how absolutely selfish and childish I am to wish and want for birthday parties and fun and all the stuff that goes with it.  I'm thirty-_____ (insert the ever changing number here).  Time to suck it up, get over it and move on.  And if you happen to walk into a raging fit of hormones or pity party (by me or any other woman on the planet) just blame it on something we can't control and wait for it to pass.  It always does!

You Stink!

An open letter to the perfume wearers of the world.

Dear Perfume Wearers:

You stink.  Why do you cover yourselves in perfume to the point where I smell you before I see you?  Why?  I don't understand.  And of course, you people that cover yourselves head to toe in this cloud o-smell-good don't even have the kindness or taste to pick something that is pleasant!  You pick the stinkiest, smelliest, muskiest perfume in the world.  Does your nose not work?  Maybe you have damaged your "smeller" by wearing such noxious fumes all day every day all your life.  Please don't kill my "smeller" by subjecting me to your stink a/k/a perfume.

I'm pretty sure you were never told this but perfume is to be an intimate fragrance...smelled only by those that are in close contact with you.  I don't want to smell you on my furniture after you have left the room...or the house!  GAG!

I am seriously contemplating faking an allergy to perfumes!  I have a co-worker and any strong smells (lotions, perfume, candles, etc.) give her a headache.  I can totally fake that!  Don't make me start faking that!  Please!?  Just two squirts of your nastiness will do us all.  One on the throat and one on the wrist.  And it will save you money.  If you don't spray fifteen or more sprays a day think of how long a bottle will actually last you.  And if you buy that junk at Walgreens or CVS how good can it be anyway?  I'll give you a new "signature" fragrance for Christmas if that's what you want?  I know it's what I want!

I guess I'll need to add obnoxious perfume wearers to the ever growing list of pet peeves along with the slurpers and the fork biters.  Please...don't make your presence know by an act that I can hear or smell without actually seeing you.  Please!?

Weekends are Never Long Enough!

There have been plenty of songs about the weekend and I think they are probably all true.  There is nothing better than a weekend...except it could be longer.  It rang true again this weekend.  After a long, stressful, emotional, week Friday finally arrived and I was able to go where I wanted to go...be with my friends and family!  We went to Dyer and it was a special trip because it was Uncle Nathan's birthday.  Sometimes in life there is a place of peace...well, I find that peace every time I go to Dyer.  The people, the place, the memories.  It is somewhere I can go and everything else fades away and I know that all is right in my world. I never say it enough...mainly because I am my mother's daughter and if I tried to actually verbalize that thought I'd tear up, cry, and everyone would make fun of me and I'd never say it but it's true none the less!

We had to drive home on Friday night because I had signed up for a women's conference at church.  Of course I wasn't excited about that because I would have rather stayed in Dyer longer or even stayed in bed longer on Saturday but I drug myself out of bed and went.  I was SO happy that I did!  I got to experience the day with great friends and my favorite sister-in-law!  The speaker was fabulous.  She was inspiring and motivating and showed me that I am not alone in the world and by that she showed me that I'm not the only contradicting person on the planet that does and says so many things...but in the end I still want to do better and be better.  I don't always achieve that but hopefully I can get better if I keep trying.  I'll keep trying.  And to all my friends: "Eshet chayil!  You are a Woman of Valor!"  Please check out Rachel Held Evans if you get a chance!

After that I went home and went to bed.  I had dreams of cleaning but I was too tired.  Sometimes I'll lay on the couch for a quick nap.  Saturday I knew it was a deep sleep type of day so I put on pajamas (hear Gabby singing, "P-yamas!  P-yamas!") and got in the bed, put my blanket over my eyes and slept for two hours.  It was WONDERFUL!  Jeff and I seriously debated staying home, cooking dinner and being lazy on Saturday night.  I was so close to doing that but my friend Julee told me what she had made for the symphony and it was all the motivation I needed to get out of bed and over to Pine Tree!

Saturday night we went to the Starlight Symphony.  The weather was perfect!  It was cool, a breeze was blowing and a few sprinkles helped everyone stay cool.  We went to the symphony with Jeff's co-workers and our good friends and their kids.  We got to see lots of other friends at the symphony and even got to hold our very over-stimulated and very unhappy nephew.  And we got to see his parents, too.  It was a great Saturday night.  If you ever get the chance you should attend the Starlight Symphony in Jackson!  It was a treat...except for the cannons!  Saturday night I fell in the bed good and tired after another great day with friends and family!

Sunday morning we went to church (the late service for those that missed us and thought we just slept in).  After church Jeff went to the grocery store with me (GASP!  I know!) and after putting the groceries away I made some chicken salad for lunch and started our mound of laundry (we're only two people.  How do we have so many dirty clothes?).  We decided to head to our friend's house for a visit with them while they were in town from CA for a little while.  It was so great to see them, their kid, and the rest of their family.  After a good visit with them we headed back home.  After a little golf watching for Jeff and reading time for me we cooked dinner.  It was an interesting new recipe and it was AWESOME!  After dinner we watched a movie and then I played on the computer before finally heading to bed...and reading more.

I just love weekends like this.  I hope we have many more in the future!  Thanks to all our friends and family.  You make our lives fuller and happier and I know we are blessed to have you in our lives.

How I Know I Love My Job

I think I had to work in hell before I could appreciate what a great job and a great boss I have.  So, as you all know I work at a law firm as a paralegal or legal assistant or secretary.  I've been called all three and at my small law firm in a small city in TN I perform all three duties.  So, my past jobs that I equate to being hell have given me a fine appreciation for where I am now and what I do now.  And as of today, at this very moment, here are the three top reasons that I know I love my job.

A.) I feel like do-do.  I went to the doctor today and got a shot. I have a fever and my inner-ear infection is making me dizzy but I'm at work.

B.) My boss and I have the same sense of humor and to help me feel better he put his big "banana fingered hands" (as described by my hubby) on my forehead (to see if I had fever which I do) and then to be funny he  tried to cast the demons out of my body.  We had a good laugh.

C.) He told me to go home.

Days like today make me appreciate the great place I work and the great people I work with.  Yay...now home to bed.

A New Measurement of Time

I think a lot of things in our life will now be marked by B.H. and A.H.  Before Hank and After Hank.  He was one special puppy.  I really am still heart broken.  I still wonder what did I miss.  Why didn't the vet in Jackson catch this and all the other things that go along with this and logically I know that it just happened.  Logically I know that the vet in Jackson probably did her absolute best...her best just wasn't up to the standards of our beloved Dr. Gordon.

Saturday I spent three hours at the vet with Hank and a friend.  Dr. Gordon ran every possible test imaginable and truly did everything she possibly could do in her small town clinic.  So, when she couldn't figure it out she sent us to a specialist.  We went to the specialist on Monday and had our worst fears confirmed.  At Easter I told my mom that I thought Hank had cancer but that the vet in Jackson didn't seem to think so and since she's the certified professional then I need to trust her.  Anyway, we finally figured out the cause of all of Hank's problems.  He had lymphoma and sarcoma (lung cancer).  The specialist in Memphis was actually shocked that he had two types of cancer.  She said typically a dog only has one.  Well, that's our special boy!  Always exceeding expectations.  The specialist informed us that chemotherapy wouldn't work on the lymphoma because he had been treated with steroids.  The mass in his chest was so large and problematic that he might not survive the surgery.  Jeff and I had thought that it might be time but we were willing to try anything to save our boy.  We went back to Dr. Gordon on Tuesday night with the knowledge that we'd try or we'd go home alone.  When we got to the vet she examined him again and reviewed the report from the specialist and agreed that he was ready to go.  On Monday night when we got home from the Memphis specialist Hank was just restless.  He didn't want us to touch him and he didn't want to stay inside.  Jeff and I both thought he wanted to go outside and wander off to die.  My grandmother said that and so did my mom.  Dr. Gordon confirmed our suspicions and said that's an ingrained trait that dogs have...to want to go curl up in a dark place and go to sleep.  Monday night the light and life just seemed to go out of his eyes.  When Dr. Gordon said we were making the right decision it really helped us.  It sucked.  It hurt.  But it seemed to be what he needed.

We buried Hank at my parents house on the hill with the rest of the dogs.  You know you have a great vet when she asked if we were going to take Hank with us and I told her yes and that he would go out with the rest of our pets and she started naming off everyone that is up on the hill.  She remembers.  She cares.  Like Jeff said on Saturday, "She's like Henco.  She's worth the drive."

So, now that our boy is gone we're trying to adjust to life without a dog.  That SUCKS!  I've always had a furry friend.  Last night we sat down to watch a movie and I missed having that big lug lay on the couch with me.  Yesterday and today I've walked into the kitchen to fix my morning green tea and he hasn't been in the dining room laying in the sunshine.  That has broken my heart.  I still expect to see him stretched out in there just getting all warm and cozy.  I didn't sleep very well last night and in my sleepy/awake haze I could hear pops and creaks in the house and I thought, "What is he doing?"  Then this morning I remember that it was just the house that Hank isn't there.  Last night I was picking up sticks in the yard so that Jeff could mow.  As I was picking up sticks I was remembering how much Hank LOVED to chew on the little sticks in the yard or he'd even chew on the acorns...weird dog.  I know everything I see is going to bring back a memory of him for a while.  I'm really trying to remember and cherish all the good memories that we had.  I'm trying to block the feelings of guilt that try to creep in because our boy was sick and we missed it for so long and then when we suspected we just went along with what the doctor said instead of going to Dr. Gordon first...or asking for a specialist or anything else that my mind is beating me up about.

And I'll try to wrap up this rambling post.  Tuesday we buried Hank.  After we buried Hank we ate dinner with my parents out on their back porch and had a really great time trying to talk about anything but dogs.  After dinner Jeff and I decided to head back to Jackson.  We walked through the house, out the front door and just stopped on the porch.  It was honestly the most beautiful sunset.  We all just stood there not talking, just looking.  And finally Jeff said, "Dyer skies.  Nothing like 'em."  And in my own mind I think that gorgeous, perfect sunset was a sign...from Heaven, from Hank, from God.  He's in Heaven and he's healthy and happy and better for it.  It was like a sign saying that we did the right thing.  He needed to go Home.  Help me remember that!

A Wish on a Friday

So, I've been having some deep, introspective e-mails with a friend about life, love and family.  Maybe they aren't deep and introspective for her but they have been for me and they have really helped.  She's one of the few people that I feel we really talk, deep down, nitty gritty, and still walk away smiling and happy and maybe better for helping me understand other people's perspectives.  I don't share my feelings a lot.  I try to be funny, smile and go on my way.  And like everyone I wonder and worry what other people will think so I usually just don't say what's going on with me deep down.  So, for one time only, I will put this here.  Where I really don't think people will read it anyway and it won't be in every one's face like it would be in an e-mail or on Facebook...

I want a birthday party!  Yes, I know my birthday is in January and I know it is June but for the last few years I feel like I've been jipped in the birthday department.  Granted, this year I was sick but no one wanted to do anything for my birthday after I was better and I felt silly and childish being in my...30s and saying, "Can we get together for my birthday even though it's February?"  Well...it's June and the feeling hasn't passed.

I miss all those great kid birthday parties at McDonald's and Burger King and skating and bowling.  I even miss the college birthday parties with drinks at a restaurant, or an apartment, or the shop or wherever we could find!  I wish I could get a bunch of friends together for a really great time.  Sad part is really great, fun, memorable nights aren't usually planned...they just happen.  And with everyone spread out, working real jobs and having kids and sick dogs, and busy, full lives it just doesn't happen.

But maybe one day I can have a cool, fun birthday party with all my favorite people and it will be a night to remember!

Or maybe just a random night that Toby Keith once sang about, "I'm as good one as I ever was."  One day maybe all the stars will align and we'll have a great night like that.  Maybe.  One day.

P.S. No comments or suggestions please.  This is just a random post to the oblivion...