I think a lot of things in our life will now be marked by B.H. and A.H. Before Hank and After Hank. He was one special puppy. I really am still heart broken. I still wonder what did I miss. Why didn't the vet in Jackson catch this and all the other things that go along with this and logically I know that it just happened. Logically I know that the vet in Jackson probably did her absolute best...her best just wasn't up to the standards of our beloved Dr. Gordon.
Saturday I spent three hours at the vet with Hank and a friend. Dr. Gordon ran every possible test imaginable and truly did everything she possibly could do in her small town clinic. So, when she couldn't figure it out she sent us to a specialist. We went to the specialist on Monday and had our worst fears confirmed. At Easter I told my mom that I thought Hank had cancer but that the vet in Jackson didn't seem to think so and since she's the certified professional then I need to trust her. Anyway, we finally figured out the cause of all of Hank's problems. He had lymphoma and sarcoma (lung cancer). The specialist in Memphis was actually shocked that he had two types of cancer. She said typically a dog only has one. Well, that's our special boy! Always exceeding expectations. The specialist informed us that chemotherapy wouldn't work on the lymphoma because he had been treated with steroids. The mass in his chest was so large and problematic that he might not survive the surgery. Jeff and I had thought that it might be time but we were willing to try anything to save our boy. We went back to Dr. Gordon on Tuesday night with the knowledge that we'd try or we'd go home alone. When we got to the vet she examined him again and reviewed the report from the specialist and agreed that he was ready to go. On Monday night when we got home from the Memphis specialist Hank was just restless. He didn't want us to touch him and he didn't want to stay inside. Jeff and I both thought he wanted to go outside and wander off to die. My grandmother said that and so did my mom. Dr. Gordon confirmed our suspicions and said that's an ingrained trait that dogs have...to want to go curl up in a dark place and go to sleep. Monday night the light and life just seemed to go out of his eyes. When Dr. Gordon said we were making the right decision it really helped us. It sucked. It hurt. But it seemed to be what he needed.
We buried Hank at my parents house on the hill with the rest of the dogs. You know you have a great vet when she asked if we were going to take Hank with us and I told her yes and that he would go out with the rest of our pets and she started naming off everyone that is up on the hill. She remembers. She cares. Like Jeff said on Saturday, "She's like Henco. She's worth the drive."
So, now that our boy is gone we're trying to adjust to life without a dog. That SUCKS! I've always had a furry friend. Last night we sat down to watch a movie and I missed having that big lug lay on the couch with me. Yesterday and today I've walked into the kitchen to fix my morning green tea and he hasn't been in the dining room laying in the sunshine. That has broken my heart. I still expect to see him stretched out in there just getting all warm and cozy. I didn't sleep very well last night and in my sleepy/awake haze I could hear pops and creaks in the house and I thought, "What is he doing?" Then this morning I remember that it was just the house that Hank isn't there. Last night I was picking up sticks in the yard so that Jeff could mow. As I was picking up sticks I was remembering how much Hank LOVED to chew on the little sticks in the yard or he'd even chew on the acorns...weird dog. I know everything I see is going to bring back a memory of him for a while. I'm really trying to remember and cherish all the good memories that we had. I'm trying to block the feelings of guilt that try to creep in because our boy was sick and we missed it for so long and then when we suspected we just went along with what the doctor said instead of going to Dr. Gordon first...or asking for a specialist or anything else that my mind is beating me up about.
And I'll try to wrap up this rambling post. Tuesday we buried Hank. After we buried Hank we ate dinner with my parents out on their back porch and had a really great time trying to talk about anything but dogs. After dinner Jeff and I decided to head back to Jackson. We walked through the house, out the front door and just stopped on the porch. It was honestly the most beautiful sunset. We all just stood there not talking, just looking. And finally Jeff said, "Dyer skies. Nothing like 'em." And in my own mind I think that gorgeous, perfect sunset was a sign...from Heaven, from Hank, from God. He's in Heaven and he's healthy and happy and better for it. It was like a sign saying that we did the right thing. He needed to go Home. Help me remember that!
